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Grassroots activist, feminist, sociologist, poop talk pro, future foster mom, travel whore, thrift store junky, music and food consumer.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

When You Are Not Looking...

Have you ever noticed that the best things happen when you least expect them to? Maybe its the shock value accompanied by some great news or event that you weren't expecting. Whatever the reason, I think these things mean so much more to us then the things we expect. This following piece captures this unexpected greatness I believe in. I hope you enjoy!

You see, my daddy started out with the cement. I inherited the sand from my mama. My brother sold me the gravel. My sister provided the water. My heart served as the wheel barrow from which to mix the ingredients in. And then my emotions became the mixer that only knew how to spin.  My lost loves each turned into bricks. And so the wall was built; five foot four inches high, twenty four inches thick. 

So this is how I reach you - with markings on my slate - in this undesirable state - used to being frustrated, pissed off, and irate.  I’m not used to being this comparison in transition. You’re a metaphor because you are, and I a mere simile b/ I am only as you are at times.  Other times I’m too busy finding things to analyze like how intense my feelings have grown in such a short amount of time, and how now with every thought it’s my feelings for you that come to mind.  One where communication flourishes and love is nurtured by trust. Where everything that comes to mind begins and ends with us. Where figuring out the next time I’ll see you becomes a must. Where everything has meaning, even those previously believed not to. Where the only way I see myself as being myself is with you. Waking up wondering just what about you made me choose – that this is where I want to be.  I mean why would I harm my mediator of peace? Why would I compromise and not play for keeps?  Probably b/even though I see, hear, and feel the rightness of the situation, I can’t help but downplay my senses and continue to spend time with the next one in rotation.   

Some points, such as this, just have to be sung or spoken for one to listen. It’s as if the words to describe it exist in their own dimension. In a place where knowledge is suspended and dissension is extended; such that your feelings are the only things serving as the hinges that keep you from pretending. That. This. Isn’t. Real. See this process of hindrance started out hidden, and I expected it to take some time for him to get with it, but it didn’t.  Nevertheless, I’m rather glad that it happened though the results were not intended. And an acknowledgement of two hearts mended was never ever a given. Then I found my conscience weighing heavy which is when I begin to comprehend it…

I remember lying in my bed as a young girl picturing the man of my dreams. The man that would become a sacred part of me. The one to destroy the brick wall around me, decipher my defense mechanisms, and penetrate the depths of my soul, rejuvenate my old, forgive and look past my sins, fall in then fall out, only to fall in love with me…again

Hell I can’t even lie; I've been in denial for a minute. I’ve been waiting on someone real, but too afraid to admit it. Or maybe I never said anything because there was no one worth hearing it.  But any possibility that there was, was a possibility I wasn't ready to risk.  For speaking out would reveal I put a lot of thought into this. But I did.  It sounds crazy now because when I'm in this man's presence I do everything but resist.  His aura envelops my existence causing mine to become his. And when I'm with him, more erosion often persists; such that the wall that took so long to build starts to shift. When I wasn’t paying attention, the wall began to manifest a difference. It just so happened that today was the first day I noticed that the wall didn’t exist. Who knew that with love from my unexpected prince, it would crumble: falling brick, by brick, by brick?

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