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Grassroots activist, feminist, sociologist, poop talk pro, future foster mom, travel whore, thrift store junky, music and food consumer.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

no mic - free write: The Struggle is Real

One of my best friends saved my life when he told me that I was human. Such a simple thing to understand right? Its actually quite disturbing when I think about how much time I've spent dissociating myself from this very concept. Mostly, because I am a very passionate person. Things affect me on a level society tells me they are not supposed to. I suppose a society based on Neoliberalism and Capitalism will do that. Work, work, work. Everyone must be productive --- and productivity is reduced to producing goods that can sell. But in Capitalism, all things can sell. Key word is "can" b/some things those in power are not interested in providing a legally recognized market for. Everything in our lives is regulated. Every. Single. Thing. The key is keeping work separate from your personal life. As if everything on this planet isn't interrelated!!!

If I have a kid, there's a time limit on the length of maternity leave, IF I am even granted leave at all, on how long I can take off work, what position I can come back to work to, and the terms for leaving work if something comes up with my kid(s). Regulating love for your family.

If someone I love dies then the company I work for sets the parameters for the time I get to mourn. There are stipulations for what qualifies as appropriate mourning set by society as well. No break downs please! You can't be crying at work. For goodness sakes, put some concealer under those eyes! Regulating death.

And love. Love is marketed in a marriage scheme accompanied by tax breaks. This is a different sex organs - same everything else (race, religion, class, etc) only club because the "son of man" whose most popular name means "all hail to Zeus," said so. He did say that right? I couldn't find it but I'm sure its there. Nevermind our pituitary gland 's hormonal production having a say. Regulating "personal" relationships.


My emotions surge through my veins like fire looks when ignited down the path of a spill. My emotions tire me out. The brain power I have to use to keep things in a positive perspective is where all my calories meet their doom. Even still, pretending I don't feel is harder than allowing my feelings to flow freely. I guess I'd rather feel the destruction, the hurt, and the disbelief. I have to take the good with the bad right? These amplifications mobilize my thoughts and help me appreciate the other end of the spectrum that much more. When its good its really good! This might be a good time to confess that I am a really anxious person - in case you haven't figured that out by now. I have feelings. I am human. I might not be able to control how I feel as well as I'd like, but I can control how I respond to those feelings, for the most part anyway. The 1st step to coping is admitting you have a problem right? Well, I have an emotional problem. I feel everything. I carry my feelings with me like my lip balm. I like being around people who are okay with this. 

What's crazier than anything is that I feel bad for people who don't feel like I do. So I am an emotional mess, but I'm okay with that. Feeling everything is better than feeling nothing at all. This is so much better than being a sociopath...I think. Besides, I ain't no stinking robot. I was borned by a Western doc with his Western know-it-all expertise on birthing babies. He said, black mother you will need a c-section b/I don't have time for this baby to come naturally. I was yanked from my mother's belly into those welcoming hands. That just about explains how I feel on a daily. I don't control anything, so stop asking me what I intend to do in the future and expecting a detailed answer. I intend to cope with whatever shit storms I must. I read the memo on individualism but I burned it up with my candle flame. Watched it shrivel up and die. Now that me and empathy have become such good friends, I never want to leave her side. She needs me as much as I need her. Who knew? <end rant>

1 comment:

  1. He hides his bow and p.C. In the back of a rock and starts towards the town, Download Best Videos trailing me alongside at the back of him. Oh well. I should be used to it by way of now.